These last three to fours years have not been what I had hoped for in my personal and or professional life.  My marriage has been plagued with infidelity, lies and humiliation.  My father died shortly before my 50th birthday and I feel professionally things have gotten a little off track.

Dealing with marital issues (especially when you didn’t know you had any) can always be tough to overcome.  I have been angry for two years and I couldn’t shake my anger.  Everytime my husband said hi to me, I would blow up. I became increasingly paranoid, sad and depressed.  I couldn’t think, eat or even grow my business the way I wanted to.  One day, I just couldn’t take it no more and I had a mini nervous breakdown on my living room floor. It was all too much and I just had to give it all to God.  I thought I had but at that moment, I knew I was trying to “fix” it my own way and obviously that wasn’t working. I needed that inner peace.  So I prayed. I prayed. I prayed. I prayed so much in one one week, than I think I had in my entire life.  (Maybe not but it felt like it.)  About a month before the new year, God spoke to me.  He showed me my happy place and told me it was about time to love me, live for me and take care of me.

My son was accepted into UC Berkeley and he left for school in August 2018.  So my very much needed selfishness at this time definitely sat right in my spirit.  I decided to buy a planner.  Not just any planner, but a Happy Planner. I looked for stickers, accessories and anything that was going to take me to a place of happy.  That is when I began to get creative.  I wanted to take things further and get more into crafting.  I bought glitter, rhinestones, more stickers, latch hook kit and even paint.  All of this has brought me inner peace.  It helps me when I feel anxious or uneasy. I have designed my loft so that my desks are used for only my crafting and my studying.  (I am also a full time student).  I designed my own happy place.

The problems in my marriage also caused me to spend unnecessarily and stupidly. I depleted my savings and bought things I didn’t need or spent money on wasteful stuff.  At the time, I was trying to distract from the foolishness that was going on in my marriage.  When the new year rolled around, I came up with a plan to help me save and rebuild.  I have started doing that and every two weeks when I receive my paycheck, I transfer that money directly to my savings account. I live within in my means and it feels so good to see my savings account growing again.

My professional life began to suffer because I know longer had the desire to market my payroll/bookkeeping business to get more clients. I didn’t want to put in the work anymore.  Working for myself became lonely and I feel I was really isolating myself from the world. I began applying for jobs and I found a really good job working in accounting. After a month, I was promoted to HR Manager and I received a really nice increase in pay. God is good!

Meditation is always something I wanted to try and I know getting involved in Yoga will also give me that peace in my life and help my spirit to heal and grow.  All the pain and heartache that my husband caused me in the short time that was have been married almost broke me. Or maybe it did break me, but I learned that through self love and self care, you can rebuild yourself and become a better you.

I don’t know what God’s plan is for my marriage but I know what God’s plan is for me at this point in my life.  Moving forward in my 50’s, continuing my education, working a job I really do like, meeting people and learning new things, is what it is all about.  I can only continue to pray that God continues to heal my heart and keep me focused on this beautiful new journey that I am on.  He is an awesome God and I am so thankful everyday that he sees the best in me!

I’ve been hearing a lot about the envelope system.  Apparently it’s nothing new but it’s new to me. The envelope system sounds like a good way to budget and not overspend.  According to Dave Ramsey, here is how the envelope system can work for you.

1.  Set the budget. i.e, groceries $400 per month
2.  Take half of that out of your bank accounts ($200) and put in an envelope. I am assuming this is for bi-weekly paychecks.
3.  Take the second half ($200) out of your bank account next pay period.  Again, I’m assuming because it’s based on half of the budgeted amount.
4.  Take the envelope with the $400 on your grocery day and go shopping.  If you spend more than the $400, take something out. You don’t add to it.
5.  If you run out of some items before your next month’s grocery allowance, you don’t buy it, you figure something else out. You make it work for whatever is in your refrigerator or pantry.
6. Next month, repeat!

While I’m sure this is a great system for some, here are a couple of things I personally don’t like about it.

1.  If you have money left over, reward yourself. Why?  Isn’t the concept of budgeting? If you have money left over, shouldn’t that go into your savings account or some type of emergency fund or put it towards another bill.
2.  The concept of carrying or having large amounts of cash in my house, car or purse just does not appeal to me.

I don’t knock the envelope system and I am sure it works. But for me, I think I would definitely save anything left over and not reward myself and if I would probably use a pre-paid card to put the cash on to go to the grocery store or any other place that is going to require me to use large amounts of cash.  Call me paranoid but there would be nothing worse then to have your purse stolen or your house broken into and that “grocery” money is now gone.  I need security when it comes to my money.

Thoughts?

Customized planner cover

Every year as the new year approaches, I am on a quest for a new planner.  Since I went back to school full time, I would purchase an academic calendar for school and then my normal At-a-Glance for work. I would be excited with my purchases. I couldn’t wait for classes to begin so I could print my syllabus and write all my assignments, due dates, tests and quizzes. I would bring my new At-a-Glance to work and begin writing in my meetings, interviewees, etc. All this excitement lasted for about a month.  Unfortunately, I bore very easily and with work, school  household stuff, family stuff and then planning just was too much for me.  Eventually, it fizzled out and I added two more used planners to my stash.

When 2019 came around, I was determined to find my creative side.  I decided to try crafting.  I went to Michaels and I stumbled across the Happy Planner.  What actually caught my attention was the colors on the covers and the variety of planners which ranged from mini to large. I decided to purchase the planner, some fillers and a couple of sticker books. When I came home, I immediately opened my goodies and began organizing my planner.  There was nothing about my new planner that wowed me and I was afraid within a month, I would add this planner to my pile of used planners.

A couple of days later, I searched for some Happy Planner groups on Facebook.  That was like opening Pandora’s Box.  I virtually began conversing with thousands of Happy Planner addicts. Not only were these women addicted to their Happy Planners but they are fricken creative and full of information.  They suggested certain Youtube channels for “newbies.” Which then led me to Instagram for the hashtag “beforethepen.”  They had all these new sticker books come out and I was going to Hobby Lobby and Michaels everyday.  It was absolutely insane.  I think for a minute I became obsessed. I even found someone on Etsy and purchased a customized cover.  Since she was rude I decided not to hyperlink her page but there are plenty of Etsy stores that customize covers.  In the end, I have found my happy place with my Happy Planner. It’s fun and very relaxing and when I find myself stressed with school, work, family or just life, I grab my box full of goodies and start planning away.

I am a true Crime Junkie fan and  I love their podcast.  While I was listening to one of their episodes, they spoke about a “If I go Missing File.”  I had never heard of that and thought it was a good idea.  I did a google search to see find out how to create one and I actually came across the one that Ashley and Brit created.  You can click on the link here and complete a short questionnaire and you will immediately be sent an email to download the file for yourself.  It’s 27 pages but obviously you can choose what you need to use.

I actually find this a great idea. With the way technology and the privacy laws are set up, if you go missing and no one can access your phone due to password protection, then no one has access to your last possible wearabouts.  I personally find this pretty scary.  The file also has a place for you to insert your fingerprints, what doctors you visit, credit card login and a wealth of other information to help law enforcement, family and friends in their search for you.

One reason why I find this so helpful is that you are giving permission for law enforcement to begin tracing your steps and searching for you without all the red tape involved.  Let’s be honest, by the time they can get a subpoena to go through your financial transactions, your abductor can have you somewhere in another country.  You obviously want to give someone you trust explicitly this information but I like the concept of this form.  Please look at it and pass it along.  You never know whose life you could be saving one day.

Every year people make resolutions, goals and the traditional “out with the old and in with the new” as we bring in the new year.  Resolutions work for a lot of people but I have never found that they worked for me.  I normally spend time writing my resolution all pretty, tacking it to the mirror, bed post or wherever I feel I’m going to look at it and then by the end of January, I have forgotten about it. The resolution thing just doesn’t work for me.

I have reflected on 2018 and all that I have lost and have gained up until this point.  Father’s day weekend, 2018, I lost my father.  In July 2018, I turned 50.  I haven’t healed yet from the loss but each day it does get a little better.  My father and I were close and I always strived to make him proud of me.  I was his only daughter and the baby. I was his little girl.

Briefly, I will bullet what I will strive to achieve in 2019.

• Self-care.  I have looked into Yoga and meditation.  I’m sure I could stand to lose 20 pounds but I’m not going to kill myself doing so. I will work on it slowly but surely so that I can become healthier and not bring those extra pounds into 2020.
• Saving.  Setting a unrealistic goal on saving money will only upset me in the long run.  I can only save what I can save.  Here is what I have set up as far as savings.
  • January to March – 5% of each check
  • April to June – 10% of each check
  • July to September – 15% of each check
  • October to December – 20% of each check
• Travel.  My girlfriend of 34 years and I have decided to take a trip somewhere in December.  We are thinking international and I’m in charge of the trip planning.
• Passport.  I have procrastinated obtaining my passport but since I will be traveling internationally this year, it’s a must.
• Education.  I went back to school in August 2017 and I am majoring in Psychology. While my GPA isn’t the worst, I feel I could do much better.  Therefore, I am striving for at least a 3.5 GPA for Winter and Spring. This GPA will allow me to become a member of Beta Nu Eta chapter of the Phi Theta Kappa Honor society and make the Dean’s list.

As of now, I feel that these are all realistic goals for 2019.  As the year progresses, I may have to alter my goals and that’s o.k.  Setting goals for yourself doesn’t always mean you will achieve everything in the time frame that you have given yourself but for me it’s a really good start.  I have to learn to live for me as well and self-care is my main focus. Each year I strive to be a better person not only for me but for my children.  I want them to always look to me as someone they can be proud of.